Back to the beginning as how I've learned all things return.  The prodigal son, the alpha and the omega...  Very Christian/Catholic, which is perhaps part of the conflict I find with myself in my efforts to adapt to a more universal, cyclical life living.  I was raised thinking and praying for forgiveness.  Sins.  Coupled with the turmoil of instability with the relationships in my house hold, I am now repeating the same instability in different parts of my life.  My salvation is patiently waiting for me.  Waiting for me to decide and take the road to acceptance and freedom.  To begin again and again and again...  from this cycle I feel I am spinning in.  Old friends become new, old lives I've lead will become old souls- the face of my ancestors looking back at myself- it will be all the old faces I've worn facing my fears.  I am the product of many a lives that have been lived.  I only have to now chart & TAKE my course to contribute in the lives that have come into my own.  I choose to be better.  I choose to heal.  

Seven days of writing. There was a book suggested to be about chanelling your artistic self. To write away for seven days straight first thing in the morning. So here I am. Typing away and catalogueing whatever comes to my head.

Lauryn Hill is on the speaker. To Zion. She sings about a son she was debating on aborting. Imagine that. The first thing I write freely about without restraint.

...I lost it a little bit. Got caught up in my thoughts and the words that I feel would say abortion differently.

Singing Killing Me Softly break...

The song is still playing but I've lost interest in singing it. I think partly because I started reading back what I wrote. Corrected. And thought again... Control. I am out of it. And have the need for it.

Another cliche.

Being down on myself wasn't working for me either. The willingness to change and having the vision of the person I believe myself to be or want to become... Gets you a little down sometimes. I have to remember to take the reins. Leave it up to me to make the balances that would create the peace. My peace.

This was already given to me.

Today is a good day to die.
I will live it.
Courageously.
With dignity and humility.

I work in Downtown Los Angeles. Telemarketing, no less, at a little office right next door to a corporate building. It's a 6 desk office & is so small that we don't even have a bathroom and we use the one at the building next door.

It's raining outside. I walk next door to use the bathroom and against the Downtown of the city in the barren lobby of the building there is an Asian woman sitting on a chair playing a cello. There are four of us in the lobby and we are all silent. Beautiful.

Today is a letting go day.  

I regret opening my mouth that led to our break up.  I could possibly go back and regret even giving this chance when I know how different we are.  All coming down to two people trying to break their patterns.  One afraid and the other insane.

Now I am here realizing always that it's all suppose to come to me.  All suppose to happen.  The healing continues.

All kinds of wrong from the get go...

I've heard it put that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.  

Puts optimism as such that it's just another form of insanity.

I hear you get knocked to the bottom before you can fully touch the sky.  I'm going down swinging.  Expends a lot of energy.  I think I just have to let it take me so I can feel around down in the dark.  Who knows what happens from there.  Crazy.

And we lost each other.  I lost him for my part.  

Today is a good day to die.

I will live it.

Courageously.

With dignity.