All kinds of wrong from the get go...

I've heard it put that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.  

Puts optimism as such that it's just another form of insanity.

I hear you get knocked to the bottom before you can fully touch the sky.  I'm going down swinging.  Expends a lot of energy.  I think I just have to let it take me so I can feel around down in the dark.  Who knows what happens from there.  Crazy.

And we lost each other.  I lost him for my part.  

Today is a good day to die.

I will live it.

Courageously.

With dignity.

And he calls me right as I finish writing.  A sign...?

"Luv U boy..."  via text message.  Maybe years, decades, centuries or eons from now that would be considered classical and compared to Shakespeare writing his sonnets.  Maybe our words will be shorted to monosyllabic grunts, minimizing vowels and/or phonetics, as necessary to communicate with the ever advancing need in speed and technology.  

Tonight, I text'd him "Luv U boy...", casually, and I know he felt me.  Slightly stunned, heart skipping a beat?  I guess, because mine did as I punched away @ the keys of my cell phone.  I am the first to say it even it if isn't exactly saying it. 

We are continuously transcending ourselves.  We adapt our behaviors, emotions, our spirits...  with that of our creations.  Perhaps we do become God.  The idea of God being us light years from now looking back at ourselves in our primitive beginnings when we were discovering, exploring and ultimately answering and creating the universe...  

Oh, the humility.  For me to think we be Gods.  And yet, stranger, crazier things have been suggested to me already.  I have heard simple men boast themselves to be God having found the divine living within them.  And who am I to tell them no.  Who am I to disagree upon the journey of another.  

I wish to remain here, wondering...  Human.  Adapting to text speech letting my self free on a lit screen responding to my chosen pieces of the alphabet to let the man I am pursuing this wonderment that I "Luv U boy..."

"I'm a Buddhist.  It will come to me."

I found myself saying this this evening to someone very significant in my life.  We were in exchange re:career and love.  I just didn't understand that we were talking re:my own sense of totality.  My kindness, my fears, limitations that I possibly may put upon myself...

I further replied that I am first generation immigrant.  It wasn't just my grandparents or parents who immigrated here.  I myself have immigrated here from a foreign third world country.  I have seen the poverty.  I have seen children and women beaten by men acceptably.  I know what I'm fighting.  I am very aware of my rage and where it stems from.  I am a man and all I've know most of my life in a male dominated culture is the oppression that men put on themselves, their women and their children either ignorantly or intentionaly.  

May I be saved because even as I am writing this I feel the quickening of my own heart.  I am Buddhist.  It will come to me.  My salvation.  May I be patient, kind, charitable, empathic and able to nurture my own self above all.  

I feel beaten by my own inspiration at times.  I fill quickly with tears.  At times I have it in me to keep them from further filling past the lids of my own eyes.  In the times they fall past, I am not further enraged, I am not further weakened or strengthened at the realization that it is all me that is falling down, falling free...  

Free.

"My heart is as open as the sky."

"Know the peace that wants nothing."

I am human and I relish.  

I met this boy and he had a little bit of an attitude.  And everyone loves it.  Including me.

To which I replied- This boy that I like likes me.  Or do I like him because he likes me?